#YouAreLoved at #TheFeast

My ex-boyfriend cheated on me.

Of course, my first questions nung time na ‘yun were:

“Bakit?! Anong nangyari?! Bakit mo ginawa?! Bakit mo hinayaang mangyari?! Anong ginawa ko para lokohin mo ako?!”

Usual questions na yata ‘yan ng mga taong naloloko.

I wasn’t ready to be cheated on. Pero mas lalong hindi ako ready sa sagot n’ya. And this was his exact words:

“She made me turn to God.”

Okay.

So hearing those words, grabe. Hindi ko alam kung ano ba talaga dapat kong maramdaman. ‘Yung may ganitong thoughts ako:

‘Really?! Ano bang tingin mo sa akin, demonyo?! Para masabi mo ‘yang she made you turn to God. Ikaw ‘yung ayaw. Ikaw ‘yung hesitant sa church activities. And you didn’t even like staying that long sa church.

‘Didn’t I try to include God in our relationship? Didn’t I try hard enough?’

I prayed. I prayed for him. We prayed before eating. Before sleeping. Things like that. Shini-share ko minsan ‘ yung mga naa-absorb ko sa Feast sessions. He listened (I think), pero ‘yun na ‘yun. It was one way.

So hearing him say that, it felt sooooo bad talaga. It felt like ako pa pala ang may mali. Am I really that bad? Self-doubt ang nangibabaw.

But then, I tried to understand him. I tried to make it work.

He said he would stop. He said he just needed some time to think about things — about what he did. But then…

In less than a month, ‘di n’ya kinaya. He still continued. They still continued with whatever they are doing.

And sa point na ‘yun, mas nadurog ako. Kasi another line na hindi ko makakalimutan na sinabi n’ya sa akin — na sinabi daw nung girl sa kanya:

“Maybe it’s God’s plan.”

Sorry for the word, pero b*llsh*t! Anong gusto nilang palabasin dun? Gusto ni God, plano ni God na mag-cheat ‘yung boyfriend ko? Na manloko sila ng tao?

HE MADE ME TURN TO GOD

Nagkulong ako sa bahay, not telling my family nor friends the whole reason why. Tinago ko ‘yun. That my ex-boyfriend chose to be with this girl whom he met at work — whom he has known for almost two months only — instead of me who had a 7-year relationship with him.

A situation that would also break their heart.

And since there was no one I could talk to…

I found God.

Aaminin ko, yes, there were times that I asked God why kailangan ‘yung mangyari. Why ganun sila. Why nila ginawa ‘yun. Feeling ko I lost everything. There were days na maiiyak na lang ako sa dami ng tanong na naiisip ko, pero pakiramdam ko walang kasagutan.

But every day, I get up. And to my surprise, sa Kanya ako unang nakikipag-usap. Siya ang una kong naiisip. Not my ex, but Jesus.

GOD’S PLAN INDEED

Tagal ko nang may The Purpose Driven Life, pero never kong binasa kasi hindi interested ‘yung ex ko. Nung araw na we officially broke up, binigay ko ‘yun sa kanya. I thought he needed it.

‘Di ko makakalimutan, isang araw na lumabas ako ng batcave ko, ang naka-post sa trike na nasakyan ko, “‘For I know the plans I have for you, declares the Lord, ‘plans to prosper you and not to harm you, plans to give you hope and a future.’” (Jeremiah 29:11)

Then, habang nagmumuni-muni ako sa mall, nakita ko ‘yung The Purpose Driven Life. And again, I bought it. This time, binasa ko na s’ya. Ginawa ko na s’ya. And yes, now it’s confirmed, whatever is happening in my life — it’s a test.

When I attended the Holy Week recollection ng Light of Jesus Family sa MOA Arena, lahat ng emotions, lahat ng bigat sa katawan ko, lahat ng doubts and questions — I surrendered to God.

Naalala ko lahat ng mga pinagdaanan ko aside from the recent breakup. If dati naka-survive ako, alam ko malalagpasan ko din ‘to. Kasi He is still the same God who turns everything into something good.

LET GO AND LET GOD

I’m just soooooo grateful as in, kasi during those times, sobrang mas na-feel ko ‘yung love and guidance Niya. Hindi Niya ako binitawan o hinayaang kainin ng anger ng hate. Hindi ako naging bitter. Hindi ko naisip maging bad person even though I felt like sh*t.

Minsan kinausap ko ‘yung ex ko. Sabi ko, gusto kong makausap ‘yung girl. And I did. Pero through Messenger lang.

Sinabi ko lang how I really felt for my ex and kung ano ang naramdaman ko para sa kanya. And I apologized after. Hindi ko s’ya inaway.

Grabeh. Kahit ako, ‘di ko alam na kaya kong magmahal at magpatawad nang ganun. I guess, minahal ko lang talaga ‘yung ex ko. I chose to really just let him go. Wala na akong communication sa kanya, more than a year na. (Pero from what I heard from friends, yes, sila pa rin.)

I’m grateful na he left me, kasi now mas alam ko na at mas nararamdaman ko na na hindi naman talaga s’ya ‘yung kailangan ko. And I don’t deserve that kind of treatment or love. Pinaniwalaan ko na rin ‘yung sinasabi nila na maybe it’s God’s plan. Maybe he was just one chapter of my life, and we both need to move forward.

Aaminin ko, masakit pa rin pa minsan-minsan. I am better, but I still get “nightmares” because of that. But then…

“My mind and my body may grow weak, but God is my strength; he is all I ever need.” (Psalm 73:26)

Every day we carry our cross, but still we praise God. Amidst all the struggles, praise God. This pain has its purpose, He can turn it around. Just let go and Let God. 

__________

We learn to love and forgive because Jesus showed us how. Visit Him at The Feast and let Him teach you more about His unconditional love and plan for your life. For locations, schedules, and updates, go to http://bit.ly/FeastLocations or download THE FEAST app on Google Play or App Store.

For counseling needs, visithttps://www.facebook.com/lojpastoralcare/.

* Photo by Cei Intud (used for visual representation only; subject not related to the sharer)

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