I always thought that I was a failure. A mess. A trash. Wala akong maalala na nakipag-usap ako kay Lord para sabihing, “Lord, thank You kasi buhay pa ‘ko.” Ang sinasabi ko palagi, “Lord, bakit nandito pa ‘ko?” I always blamed Him for what was happening to me. “If You are really there, why has my life turned this way? BAKIT AKO?!!!”
Hindi ko na kasi alam that time kung saan ako papunta. I was so lost. I had no permanent work. And my biggest frustration was—I DIDN’T GRADUATE FROM COLLEGE. We have financial problems and all, so I had to work at the age of 17. As much as I wanted to study, I couldn’t oblige my mom. She’s a solo parent. My dad died when I was nine years old, and that was when all my struggles started.
For many years, I was so heartbroken. Devastated. I had so many regrets that led me to not forgive myself for all the things I had done and not to forgive people in return. I always looked down on myself kasi feeling ko ganon ang tingin sa ‘kin ng lahat ng tao. I hated life. And I hated God for not answering my prayers. My selfish prayers.
That August 2015 when I first attended the Feast, someone gave me a sign-up form with a list of ministries I could join. My heart beat fast when I saw the Music Ministry. Mahilig kasi akong kumanta, pero ‘di ko ginagamit. ‘Di ako nagjo-join ng contest and all. Mahiyain kasi akong tao. (Pero ‘di halata. Hahaha.)
But instead of signing up, I wrote something at the back of that paper: “In time. I promise.” Kasi nahihiya pa ‘ko kay Lord that time. Sabi ko gusto ko muna Siyang makilala. Gusto kong humarap at mag-serve sa Kaniya kapag buo na ‘ko. Nahihiya akong humarap sa Kaniya na hindi pa naman ganon kalalim ‘yung relationship ko with Him.
April 2016. I randomly met a friend whom I haven’t seen for six years. I thought it would be a normal chikahan, but it was not. Really not because WE PRAYED. She prayed for me. And I was like, “Lord, is this You?” I felt Him in that moment, in that place, in that person.
So after that day, nag-message ako sa page ng Feast dito sa amin on how to join. After a week na wala pa ring reply from them, I followed up. Hindi ko alam saan ako nakakuha ng lakas ng loob para mag-follow up, kung anong nagpu-push sa ‘kin; pero ang alam ko, gusto ko na Siyang pagsilbihan. Gusto ko nang i-surrender ‘yung life ko sa Kaniya.
Then the audition day came. Sobrang kaba, as in super kaba levels! It was my first time to audition sa isang choir. I sang Touch the Sky by Hillsong. It was the first ever song that I heard from the Feast na sobrang tumatak sa puso ko. And yes, natanggap ako. Huhuhuhu.
FINDING GOD, FINDING LOVE
And there, I discovered that the love of God does exist. Through my co-servants. Sobrang iba. Ang galing ni Lord.
Meron at meron talaga Siyang ipapadala na mga taong hindi ka iju-judge kahit ano pa ‘yung past mo. He will use people to bless you more and ma-bless din sila in return. Sobrang na-feel ko ‘yung love Niya through these people. Sobrang meant lang talaga na nakilala ko sila.
Tapos sunod-sunod na ‘yung blessings na dumating. Kahit struggling, mas nangingibabaw pa rin si Lord. Mas nangingibabaw pa rin ‘yung pagmamahal Niya. I’VE FOUND THE KIND OF LOVE THAT ONLY GOD CAN GIVE. Sobrang nakakaadik.
Last December 2016, I got hired by a good company (compared sa dati na toxic). And I went back to school last June 2017. Yeheeey!!! Working student. Isa na nga raw ako sa mga living testimony na dreams may get delayed at times, pero ibibigay din ni Lord in His perfect time.
Thank God for using these people who pushed me to go this far. He used these people to help me even when I felt like I didn’t deserve it; ‘yung mga taong handang tumulong kahit ‘di ko pa hinihingi. He blessed me with people that I can call my FAMILY. My HOME.
HOW GREAT IS OUR GOD
I learned to never doubt. God knows our way. He understands our pain. He promises to use our every scar and brokenness to share His message of hope to a world that needs healing and grace.
Hindi ibibigay sa atin ni Lord lahat ng ito kung ‘di natin kaya. Surrender everything kahit ang sakit-sakit na. Kahit ang hirap-hirap na.
Kung hindi ko siguro naranasan lahat ng nangyari noon, hindi ko Siya makikilala nang ganito. We just really have to trust Him in all the struggles we face. Kapit lang talaga. He loves us. He first loved us. He will make all things new. Always believe that with Him, there will always be better days ahead of us. Always.
How truly great is our God.